Dating: Cigarettes

July 28, 2009

I’m sure i won’t be the first or the last to draw this uncanny parallel but it has come to my attention that dating men (or women in the situation of the opposite sex/lesbians) is very similar to smoking cigarettes. It’s bad for you, yet you can’t stop ITS TOO ADDICTIVE and has slowly morphed into a part of you. You go through this sick cycle, you want a man (cigarette) you NEED a man (cigarette), you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t even find joy in the things you onced loved (fishing, running, quilting, taffy pulls etc) because you have one brain cell and that brain cell is revolved around dating a man and you will NOT  be satisfied until that need is fulfilled. it isn’t just emotional now…or psychological…this shit is PHYSICAL. So you have given in and you start dating like crazy, any man will do because you are filling a void. at first it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have a job, or goals, or likes his mother very much, or seems to be about as nuturing as a desert because he is a man and you want to date him because your body will implode if you fail to fulfill your basic emotional/psychological/PHYSICAL need. and this goes well for a while and you may have even made a few investments on a few nice dinners together. and you say you can quit whenever you wnat to to your friends and family and you deny this shit out of EVERYTHING because like i said before…this is a PHYSICAL need and fucking with that is like fucking with mother nature (and as you can see by the state of our ozone layer at this time….mother nature is the HBIC and ain’t no bitch to fuck with).

Then it hits you…you are half of what you once were, you aren’t you anymore. The dating has taken over your life. You are underfed because you have spent the last few weeks depriving yourself of sweets and anything with taste to look presentable to said gentlement. your brain runs slower because it is too busy trying to think while filtering out the word vomit he spits at you when he does something stupid or inconsiderate…or when you are trying to plan something in your mind while simultaneously trying to remember to fake laugh at his joke that was stupid and you have heard 1000+ times anyway. You may even find your heart rate to be too fast or too slow now because you are either a walking zombie or wound up really tight…both as a result of the stress that comes along with dating a man (*see/insert the stress of numerous blows to your self esteem often as a result of a bitchy mother or his stupid friends that may be women themselves). you are also broke now from either spending money on dinner because he has no job or from spending money to primp your now lifeless body for said dates because heaven forbid you look like a normal person even though you have been seeing each other for weeks. 

Your friends are now concerned because you are morphing into a hungry, poor, zombie with minimal remnants of a personality that once was. you don’t believe them at first because as you have told this foolish people before, you can quit any time you want. it doesn’t matter to you that he has no job, or goals and has an awful relationship with his mother/the world because you are in lust and you are not “shallow”.

Then….you see yourself in the mirror one day….and shit gets ugly. you see what food deprivation has done to you, you may be skinny but you are starving and if you cant find joy in food then what the fuck is the point. you notice your wallet is empty and your room is filled with excess shit that you use to beautify. and then it hits you….his jokes aren’t funny, mother fucker needs a job, and needs to give it a rest with his mom. This is not shallow, he is in fact stupid and this is doing nothing for you. 

It’s hard at first but you get used to it…you may even gain some weight (now that you have time to) you make shake at times because he may have been good in bed (unlikely) but the attention was nice (what little of it you got anyway). Then it feels like everyone else around you is dating (smoking) and they are looking really happy while doing it. fuck they look great! suddenly eating right and exercising and this whole being happy with yourself as is bullshit seems a stupid as ever and you wake up in the middle of the night craving a meaningless date with anything that has arms legs and a dick. Things are now difficult and you do not look good at all. now you are a fat miserable person and you are a zombie because you have one brain cell and that brain cell revolves around getting another man in your life….

until one day…you see someone else, a kindred spirit in the same position as you…only better. they have no man and they look even better than the asshole who did. they look happy and stress free, they have time to enjoy things…like life! they laugh! (you haven’t for ages). suddenly hope is brought back into your life…you eat what you want (within reason) you may even jog once in a while. you have your own thoughts and dreams again. you’re doing great on the job. you’re saving tons of cash you may even take a vacation with a few other non daters (non smokers) and just bask in your awesomness while sipping pina coolatas on a beach filled with fat people as you scoff at their lack of self esteem to kick men (smoking) once and for all.

you’re on top of the world…so on top that you want to share it with someone else….and then you notice that fellow from your work is looking mighty fine lately…and you want to go out to dinner with him…just dinner…that’s nothing right? i can quit whenever i want…

…and the cycle starts again….

which is precisely why dating men is EXACTLY like smoking no matter what anyone says

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different? really?

July 18, 2009

i can’t help but notice after working with people on a daily basis that there are so many different kinds of them out there. big ones, small ones, smart ones, not so smart ones, round ones, rotund ones, skinny bitches, muscle milk users, attractive people, fuglies, flabulous ones , fabulous ones, people that piss you off, people that make you smile, people that make you want to punch them in the dick or the vajay….the point is there no doubt  is a huge variety of people out there with different thoughts, hopes, dreams etc. but if there is one thing i’ve noticed after working with people all the time is that most if not all of them seem to share the same fear….no one really wants to be alone

i dont want to be alone… do you? i doubt it, even post modern fucktards who say that they are too advanced for the common folk don’t want to be a lone. that’s basically their whole struggle isn’t it? They are just itching to  find someone like them on that “advanced” (insert bullshit) level and hence why they are probably so cranky (annoying).  i have yet to meet someone who truly seeks lonliness.

However i have met people who just gave up partially against their own will. and frankly i don’t blame them. sure every now and again we tell ourselves we are “over it” we are over trying too hard to connect with people we have nothing in common with. we are “over” assigning people great qualities they don’t have to keep the relationship feasible or worthwhile in our minds or we focus terrible qualities they may not even have in order to protect ourselves from getting fucked over in the end. The fear or rejection is sometimes so powerful that we  do it before the other person even has a chance (especially when it becomes abundantly clear that those fake good qualities…were in fact fake). 

Part of me believes that the one fear we all share is …we don’t want to die alone plain and simple. what is the point of leading this wonderful life if no one is there to enjoy it with you? is it possible to find meaning in ourselves if we don’t have feedback from other people? especially the few that we let in entirely? We are so greedy about certain things (money) and so strange about what we do share (accomplishments, love, secrets etc).

i’ll be honest with the whole one reader out there and myself…i don’t want to die alone and i’m 99% sure that most people are like me in that they  want to have at least some ONE to share the good and bad things with. it may be selfish in a way…it may be selfless in other ways but that’s what i want. i don’t want to lead this life alone…there are too many wierd/fun/annoying/ugly/fugly/flabulous/skinny/rotund/smart/stupid/ditzy/arrogant people out there…plain and simple…

the bad vibe epidemic

July 7, 2009

with all do respect people need to chill the fuck out…and coming from one wound up little betch monkey that means a lot…

it just seems like these days bad vibes are spreading quicker than a nasty case of herpes at a frat party (and for any of my college educated readers out there…or frequent party goers… you know that has potential to be  faster than the speed of light). no work place is safe! everyone is pissed off and they want you to be pissed off because they are pissed off (interesitng logic no?) and they will be especially pissed off if you not only seem not pissed off (you still following?) but if you actually seemed pleased with your work/life situation.

word to the wise…when returning to work after a holiday weekend by no means smile or greet ANYONE. i learned that the hard way. ill be sure to return to work the next time with two of the most powerful middle fingers my small lifeless body can produce and a scowl that would may tyra banks scream FIERCE!. to think i was FOOLISH enough to say goodmorning and offer cruelty free cookies to the staff (okay maybe vegan treats would not be the way to go but it’s the thought that counts…so i thought…). it’s like junior high dances all over again…don’t look happy, don’t looked please…don’t joke and by all means…DON’T SMILE

i suppose deep down i understand where all of these bad vibes stem from. when you work in a hospital with a bunch of women its bound to happen. sure nurses may seem all smiles in front of you the “innocent” patient…however…make no mistake…the moment that nurse leaves your room…the shit talking starts…whether you deserve it or not (but man do you get it hard if you did do something to deserve it)

you see…some people forget that it’s a hopsital…not a family restaraunt and you are not ordering a steak you are receiving and appendectomy. paitent’s forget that they are patient’s…not customers and when you go into that realm of thinking…it’s over. The bitching never stops, the negotiating never stops but most importantly…the bitching never stops

another fascinating similarity between a hospital and a family restaurant is the fact that dirty old men and bitchtastic women seem to flock to both. they are drawn to them….they thrive in both environments and they both seem to perpetually  be up your asshole. if one more dirty old man demands that i help him pee or reminds me for the tenth time in the last 5 minutes that it’s time for his sponge bath as he stands there presenting himself in ways that would make hooker blush so help me gosh i will go apeshit. and if one more prego ego bitches and moans to me about how i can’t do my job because they have been waiting ten minutes for the doctor i will be FORCED! FORCED! to remind them that they are only cranky because they are looking more and more like jabba the hut with each passing gestational week and if i were that huge i guess id be a bitch too.

now don’t get me wrong i know that it isn’t always like this. i know that there are sweet old men out there like your grandpa or your older single neighbor that treats his lawn like michaelangelo’s ceiling art. and i know that there are pregnant women out there who do actually glow when they are pregnant. they are more beautiful at that moment than they have been in the past 5 years and they know and it makes their beauty radiate even more (and the bitchiness happen just that much less) 

however, it only takes one or two grade a pricks to screw it up for the rest of them and perpetuate the bad vibes and make my day at work impossible. and when i look at it that way…i totally understand why the bad vibes spread so quickly.  I too feel the temptation to freak out and shit talk, i also feel the my blood boil the the point of no return when some bitch asks me how hard my job is. I do dry heave every time and old man exposes himself to me and i was A) not expecting it and B) never wanting to see it. 

After all, you are not a customer you are a patient and this is not a medium rare steak…your appendectomy is in fact non negotiable…so suck it and if you exscuse me…i will be shit talking with my co workers in the staff lounge while you enjoy your ice chips and shitty tv

and suddenly bad vibes don’t seem so bad after all…